she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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