No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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