I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
