I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
