If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
