If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
