Fine. I'll sleep in my office
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
