a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
its liver damage thursday
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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