I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
