Who wears a wallet chain?!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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