We're like a lot better than the average bears
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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