Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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