What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
