The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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