if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
