I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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