I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
