Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
