yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
