You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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