I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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