Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
