I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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