I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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