There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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