I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Someone shattered a urinal.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
