Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
