It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
