i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
