So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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