I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
3 2 1 whiskey
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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