Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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