Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
