He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
They have beer where we have blood.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
