Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
