he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
