I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
