So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
