I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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