Got a toothbrush?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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