everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
