I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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