got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
