Christians are straight up FREAKS
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
