I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
