how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
