What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize