just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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