dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
