It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
