theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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