i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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