and she was petting her beer can
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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