If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
