wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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