she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize