A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
