I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
