mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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