Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
