I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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