i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
