I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm too high and old for this...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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