this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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