I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
