It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
