how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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