i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
