I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
