You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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